Pornography addiction is not a guy/girl issue. It’s a human issue. The dangers of pornography use are very real, even being declared a public health crisis. Here are 13 must-knows before you date or marry someone with an addiction to porn (or porn substitutes).
Their addiction to porn is not a reflection on you as a partner.
It is common for partners to feel that if the addict just loved them enough, they would stop using pornography. The truth of the matter is, most addiction is actually triggered by depression or feelings of insecurity. Thinking that if someone only loved you enough to not give in to porn is like thinking someone who loves you enough won’t give in to another drink or cigarette. It may work for a while, but it’s not a long-term solution.
Their addiction to porn is generally not about you being unattractive or inadequate in the bedroom.
For addicts, the addiction to porn is generally not about an unsatisfying partner. It is actually a short-circuit in the brain to trigger dopamine. This chemical helps them feel good and calm. The release of this chemical is what their addiction is really about.
Plan now. It will probably be back in some way, shape, or form.
Whether it is a full relapse or urges. Make a plan now on how those will be handled. Determine where to go, what to do, who to call, etc.
Do not ignore the problem.
Thinking this was a one-time thing is unrealistic. The images or thoughts from pornography are permanently stored in an addicts brain for decades if not their entire life.
Always communicate.
Be open to discussing every detail as you look for the why. Yes, it may be hard to hear and no, it won’t be painless. But it will be worth it. Start by asking if you can have a candid conversation about the issue. Ask the questions you feel are important to understanding your partner and their struggle. Try hard to understand the other person’s point of view and the pain and suffering they are feeling. Make sure they understand the pain you are feeling as well.
You are not expected to become a porn star.
It is not a competition. Do not get plastic surgery to enhance certain aspects of your body to become more attractive because of their addiction. In fact, in some cases doing this could cause more harm than good. Trust that your partner loves you for who you are and the way you are.
Don’t stop making love.
Many times people feel that making love will trigger the addict to relapse. For many, this is not true. In fact, the addict needs to have real contact-based experiences with someone they love and trust. These experiences will not only enhance your relationship but will positively help the addict to develop better healthy relationships. Keep in mind, however, that if the disclosure of an addiction is recent, it may take some time before everyone feels close enough to resume normal intimate activities.
Yes, you can still get mad.
Even if your partner’s addiction is spurred by feelings of insecurity or depression, you are still allowed to get upset about things. This is a difficult situation! Just make sure they know that while you are upset about the situation, you love them and are there to support them.
Don’t use their addiction against them.
Everyone has weaknesses and using these against the other person will usually make the problem worse. In addition, your partner will feel that they cannot trust you with their issues anymore which breaks down their support structure and could lead to a relapse.
Find the triggers; address the triggers.
Work together to find that the triggers for the addiction. It can come from things like depression or be related to childhood experiences. Make sure to search out a qualified therapist. Do not take their depression lightly. Severe depression can lead to serious issues like self-harm or even suicide if left untreated. Other triggers for addicts can include, music, movies, TV shows, and more. Discuss the known triggers and identify new triggers together. Avoid things that trigger, and help protect each other from known triggers.
Partner support required.
As it is with overcoming any addiction, the love and support of those around them is essential to beating this. They need to know that they can approach you without judgement any time old urges pop-up. Make sure your partner knows you are there for them anytime, day or night.
Find additional community support.
A solid community will provide the support a person needs to overcome their addiction. This can include independent or couples counseling, religious leaders, trusted friends and family, and even online communities like Fight the New Drug or NoFap.com.
It’s probably a life-long fight.
The draws toward using pornography probably won’t ever go away. As technology makes porn more accessible in everyday life and more commonplace, you will need to be as committed to this fight as you are committed to your partner.
Remember, together you are unstoppable!
